he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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