false alarm. still invincible.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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