i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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