Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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