You really coming over, don't trick.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
