I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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