I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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