I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
