Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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