the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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