Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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