i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
