This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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