this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
