Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
