I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
