worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
