Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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