I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
