you're like a bully in the Christmas story
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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