why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
