That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
