i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
