I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
