At least make sure they are 18
Why
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
