There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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