Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
We don't watch enough power rangers
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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