I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Randomize
