omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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