1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
3pm strippers are depressing
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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