my phone needs a breathalizer
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
