Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Found the puke drawer
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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