yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
