Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I smell like Dick and happiness
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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