Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
