She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
