You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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