Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
