I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
