I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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