the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
