Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
