You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
