I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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