she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
