So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
