felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
sarcasm needs its own font
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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