if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
