wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Randomize
