I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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